When I got married at twenty-three, I can honestly say I did not envision my fairytale ending in a divorce.
I did not choose this. It chose me.
One night while I was cooking a meal of spanish rice and chicken (odd I would remember exactly what I was cooking, its been over 11 years) my husband, my once high school sweetheart, the man I knew since the sixth grade came home from work and while our children slept in the other room told me, ‘he no longer wanted this!’
I am not a quitter. I did not believe the grass would be greener on the other side.
I did not want out just to move on to something bigger and better.
It seems that choice was not mine to make, but a choice that was decided for me, in that moment by the stove, while chicken baked and rice simmered.
Life is not easy. Relationships are difficult. Having illusions of grandeur and expectations from another human being can be a short coming and at twenty-three I had many illusions, too many expectations and a pair of rose-colored glasses.
Since my ex-husband and I have divorced dealing with our children and custody issues has always been difficult. We have tried all sorts of schedules and arrangements. There are many things I wish I would have done differently regarding their care and well-being.
I made many mistakes and for that I know I am still feeling the pain. My therapist reminds me that if my frame of mind were clearer and I was in a healthier space back then that I would have made many decisions differently. I am still working on putting that into perspective.
We both met someone new & oddly enough remarried last summer, he in June and me in August. In September, after picking up my son’s for the weekend, my younger son told me that his dad and new wife were expecting twins. My husband and I too were pregnant, but hadn’t told anyone just yet because we had a miscarriage months before.
I don’t think I am difficult to deal with… clearly I have moved on… it has been over 10 years since we were married.
Perspective has shown me a very clear picture since my divorce.
However, I am not perfect, but I am not a person who likes confrontation so I deflect or avoid many topics when it comes to my sons just so I do not stir the murky water.
My son’s primarily live with their dad and his new wife. Several months before the babies were due, me in March and my ex-husband’s wife in May, we had a ‘friendly gathering’ to discuss some things.
One of the topics that came up for discussion was what the boys would now call their new step-parents since there would be new babies coming. My husband and I looked at each other and said we felt certain that the boys should continue to call their step-dad by his first name and if they felt comfortable enough to call him something other than that, it would be up to them.
My ex-husband and his new wife did not agree with us and proceeded to explain that the boys would now call their new step-mom, mom. It would not be something the boys would choose, however it would be a requirement. They would be told to do so and not asked how they felt about it or what they wanted. The reason… was that she felt since the boys called her by her first name that her new babies would hear this and call her by her first name too.
I didn’t have many words at this meeting. Only feelings of sadness and confusion. I am their mother…I don’t discount that they have a step-mom, who takes care of them and loves them but….
she is not their mother I am.
So I have my opinion about this topic, but would love to hear some opinions and thoughts about how you would feel. Should they call their step-mom, mom? How would you feel if this was happening to you? Would you want your children to call another woman mom? Should children make this decision on their own? or be made to do so because younger siblings will be added to the family?