Out with the old…

I am linking up with @shellthings over at Things I Can’t Say.

I have words swirling around in my head. If you are reading this, consider yourself warned. This may not make a hell of a lot of sense, but I need to release the tension that fills the space between my ears. So here it goes.

We are in the process of packing our home and moving. I explain how it’s all been in Slow Motion and I will be more than thrilled when it is all said and done. I won’t even elude to the fact that when we move it will not be our last time, because where we are going is just a stepping stone to get from where we are now. So there’s that. If I think too much about it all I may pluck all my hair out and being that my husband prefers long luscious locks that is NOT an option.

In the meantime, my husband has been commuting four hours a day to and from work for the last year, and it has put a considerable amount of strain on our relationship besides having this year be the first with our newest addition. He also balances his previous life with two sons and sees them one night during the week, which also takes time away from our life, not to mention when the baseball season is upon us, 2x during the year, he can be away additional time to see his older son play ball~over an hour away.***This is not a complaint, I knew what I was signing up for when we got married. I am just venting.

There are other things that weigh heavy on my mind when it comes to this whole moving ordeal and I am trying to keep those under wraps and remain as sane as possible in the process. (I may try to explain those further at a later date)

For now there is the fact that my husband is a ‘saver’ and I am NOT. He has several items that he holds on to for whatever reason and in the moving process I am finding it hard to understand why he cannot just let them go. Our current home was the home he lived in with his ex-wife, of almost 11 years, there are furniture, dishes, and pictures that I could give a rat’s ass about keeping and he feels differently about those items. I would rather sit & eat off the floor than bring them into our next place, but practically speaking we cannot afford to buy all new items, so I am trying to compromise. Except knowing that financial issues (along with infidelity~she cheated on him) were a big cause for their martial demise I find it hard to want to keep such items in our home. To me it’s just bad juju. To him it represents hours of hard work and money he earned in order to purchase such items. When I look into our back yard and see a $8,000 dollar swing set purchased one day, while he was at work, without his knowledge I just cringe. I am NOT perfect, I have flaws and issues like anyone else I probably spend money at times when I should not, but I can honestly say I would NEVER make a purchase of that magnitude without my husband’s consent. Heck I have a hard time spending over $50.00 without feeling some sort of remorse or guilt. She was a different type of woman and when I leave this house I would like to leave as much of her behind with it.

As for the rest… we are downsizing. Considerably. We will be renting a 2 bedroom home for seven people, yes, you read that correctly. **Keep in mind we transform into a family of 7 from a family of 3 only four times out of a month. So as crazy as it seems it is totally do-able, at least for now. We don’t really have many options for various reasons.

We currently live in a huge, cookie-cutter style house in the middle of suburgatory. (No offense to anyone who lives in this type of home or neighborhood, I did in my previous life, but it is no longer my cup of tea). This home, notice I did not say our home, because even after almost 3 years of living here, I do not feel like it is ours. It has 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, a third floor bonus room and a 2 car garage on a cul-de-sac. It has never felt warm to me or like a place that I am proud to call home. I don’t spend much time enjoying the space around me and putting my personal touches here and there. It has remained the way I entered it stark, cold, and untouched. Sort of a metaphor for the lives lived here before it all ended very abruptly and without warning on Christmas Eve of 2008. That is when she chose to tell him she was leaving him for another man. Oh, and by the way that she was pregnant with that man’s baby.

I know my husband has had some good memories here and yet, I know within these walls there is a lot of pain too. If only the walls could speak I often wonder the story they would tell. The side they would choose and how I might possibly view his ex-wife differently. Regardless of it all I am ready for us to start anew. To be revived. Three years feels like ten. We have certainly tested our relationship’s capacity to the max and we still have miles to go before we sleep. Miles my friends and those miles are words, hopefully turned into posts for another time.

I may fall of the face of the earth within the next few weeks. It seems writing in my journal comes easier these days. Like I am ashamed to post things. I am not going to lie. I am not polite or graceful when it comes to this whole moving thing. Too much tied to my past and I transform into a monster, the more the boxes pile up. Some days I am too depressed to write and I cannot bring myself to share. I try too hard to be sweet, kind, and like-able. But as I was taught so profoundly by my mother you cannot judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Of course I don’t want to judge anyone we all have our crosses to bare. But if you want to try my shoes on and walk a few miles in them, maybe for the next month and a half, you can. Will you pack a few boxes while your in them and move a house full of stuff while your at it too?

About mommymetamorphosis

Redeemed. Lucky wife. Crunchy. Organic Mama of 2 boys, 2 step sons, one Little Flower and are newest Little Gem. In my previous life I was a yogi, runner, artist, dreamer, believer of all things purple! Now I'm a cloth diapering fanatic, early homeschooling mama, who tends to leave the house with spit-up somewhere on my person. I have been keeping a journal since I was a kid, but I never let anyone read it... so this should be interesting!
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12 Responses to Out with the old…

  1. Lance says:

    next week my wife and I will be have been together 4 years. we married in November 2008 and created our blended family of 3 daughters, one dog, and one cat.

    The first 1 1/2 years wwas awkward, tension filled, and just flat out weird, figuring out exesand schedules, and finding pictures of other people in boxes when we moved.

    the love gets you through. I promise that.

    • I can’t tell you how much hearing a man’s perspective helps. Thanks for the comment love and for helping me realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope~LOL

      • Lance says:

        there is. Just believe in each other, love each child equally, and NEVER let anyone screw with your bond. My wife and I are a dynamic duo. I’m more Robin to her Batman. she’s amazing.

  2. Jessica says:

    It sounds like a tough spot to be in, but it sounds like you will make it through. BTW: i love the term suburgatory- that describes it perfectly!

    • I am sensitive to the fact that he doesn’t want to get rid of everything and I am totally okay with that… It’s hard enough to downsize and it isn’t exactly how we envisioned things happening for us, but right now it is out reality. So hopefully we won’t have too many more arguments. And yes, I am ready to leave suburgatory behind. I am not a step ford wife.

  3. Good luck with your move! I hope your husband can let go of some of those things- sounds like you have a good argument on your side, even just talking about the space alone!

    • Thanks. I am so ready. It is beyond stressful right now, but I know it will all work out. I really love all your posts and the link-ups on Wednesday. I have read so many wonderful bloggers linking up with you. It’s awesome.

  4. My dad is also a “saver” and my mom not, and it’s caused some considerable tension in their marriage – and neither of them have even been married before. Compromise works. So long as you’re not the only one compromising. Best of luck!

    • My parents were both savers and my mother often asked me to ‘clean and organize’ for her growing up. Now I just cringe at people who hoard or save. It drives me batty. I have issues. LOL

  5. I completely understand. Good luck with the move. Hopefully he will learn to move on. Starting over after my divorce felt amazing. I often wondered if my honey now regretted sleeping in the same bed I did with my ex husband. He didn’t. But getting rid of it all… made me feel SO MUCH BETTER!!

  6. I hope the move goes well. 4 hour commute sounds BRUTAL on both of you. Good luck. Keep us posted.

  7. That’s got to be hard! I can understand you’re wanting to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, and I can understand his desire to hang to things he worked hard for. Especially, if he had a wife who made purchases like that without his knowing and cheated on him. I’m sure he feels like some of that stuff is all he got out of that stage of his life. It’s hard to let go. I hope your move goes smoothly and you all get the fresh start it sounds like you need! Try to price some of that stuff on craigslist, so he can see he could get some money for it! 🙂

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